I run for...imperfection.

In today's world of social media, everyone's trying to put their best face forward. I am guilty as much as anybody of only posting the pretty things, the happy moments, the big events, etc. As much as I cite the challenges I've overcome or the long journey I've taken through running, I can see where it may look as if all my runs are "good" and "fun". IT. IS. NOT. EASY. I repeat...IT. IS. NOT. EASY. Today's run was a reflection of that and I think it's just as important to talk about the bad, sucky, and ugly runs too.

To start off with, I was scheduled to run my 12 mile training run yesterday so I spent all day yesterday feeling guilty for putting it off. That made today's run start off on a sour note. Getting ready I anticipated that it was going to be pretty cold so I prepared as such with my hat and gloves and layers. Once I started running I realized it was deceptively warm outside. The sun was hot and I was sweaty within my first mile. At mile 2 I ditched my gloves. Even more irritating was the fact that my pants didn't fit right. I could not run more than a minute without my pants falling down. I was constantly pulling them up and readjusting my gear and it was incredibly distracting! I tried to focus on the running and settle into a good pace but it just never happened. About mile 4 I really contemplated turning around and calling it quits. I needed some major inspiration to keep myself going. I got on my phone to find a running meditation I had downloaded a couple weeks ago....and my phone died. No joke. Shortly after that I turned a corner running west and faced a gnarly headwind. I wished I had my gloves because now I was freezing. No music, no meditation, no inspiration, no warmth, pants falling down....I wanted to quit so bad. I knew that to get through this I was just going to have to dig deep and rely on my experience and the goals that lie ahead. I kept telling myself that I'm an ultrarunner and I've been through much worse than this. But when I say this was a constant battle, I mean it. With every uplifting, positive thought I tried to have, I could only think about the pain, the discomfort, and suckiness of it all. Even with all the negativity, moving forward was still progress so I soldiered on. About mile 5 or 6, I came to my favorite hill. I thought "I'm already suffering, I might as well suffer some more." So I did hill repeats right there in the middle of my run. I had no idea how far I had run or if I'd meet my 12 mile distance (because my phone had died) but it didn't really matter anymore. Just getting through this run was my only goal. And wouldn't you know if, after those hill repeats, things started to perk up. My pants were still annoying but I found my thoughts focused on my upcoming marathon and future 50 miler. About mile 9 my phone had warmed up enough (after keeping it in my bra), that it turned back on. About mile 10 I came back around to where I had ditched my gloves and my hands warmed up. And after I got home and logged my route, I realized I had indeed ran 12.08 miles.

As weird as it may sound that I run for imperfection, I really do. Just like in life, the struggles make you appreciate the good moments that much more. When I'm having an awful run like I did today, I embrace the suck. I think about why it sucks and I use it as an opportunity to learn something, to better myself. Once again IT. IS. NOT. EASY. My greatest achievements have all come from a fair amount of suffering or struggle. (minus my first Chicago Marathon which was pretty damn perfect)

Marathon 1 - Just hoping that my left knee would hold it together, only to have my right knee blow out at mile 17.
Marathon 2 - Passing out at mile 19, spending 45 minutes at the medical tent thinking I would have to DNF.
Marathon 4 - Wanting so badly to push and go faster, but having my body rebel against me with leg cramps out of this world.
Table Rock 35K - Trying for my first 50K, thinking what in the world have I gotten myself into, and turning around at mile 10 to finish only 35K.
Table Rock 50K - 30 minutes from the summit, thinking I would never make it by the cutoff time.

I could focus on all the bad moments of my past races but I would feel incredibly defeated. Instead I look at those moments and I accept them for what they are. From each I have learned so much - a new running form, the effect of being undertrained, the importance of electrolytes, proper nutrition and hydration, the importance of hill work and elevation training, knowing your race route and cutoff times. Through all of the learning experiences, I've grown into the runner I am today. I am able to persevere through the ugliest of training runs, put it behind me, and continue with relentless forward progress. I don't know how my next long run will go nor do I know how my marathon will turn out or if I will accomplish my ultimate goal of completing my first 50 miler. However, I know for certain it will be an adventure and a challenge worth fighting for.